Episode 4
Episode 4: Breaking the Silence with Linda Parker of Women In Distress
This is your go-to Podcast, where we help parents navigate the complexities of family life. Hosted by Ali Kessler of Greyson’s Choice, we’ll cover everything from understanding domestic violence to navigating the legal system, finding the right therapists, life hacks, family law, mental health, custody battles, and how to protect children in dangerous situations.
In this compelling episode of Grey Minds Think Alike, we feature an in-depth conversation with Linda Parker, president and CEO of Women in Distress (WID) in Broward County, Florida. Linda shares her journey as a domestic violence survivor and advocate. The discussion spans the complex reasons behind why victims, especially women, stay in abusive relationships, highlighting tactics like coercive control and the impact of socioeconomic factors. Practical advice for recognizing red flags, preparing to leave abusive relationships, and protecting children is offered. The challenges posed by the COVID-19 pandemic and false abuse claim narratives are addressed. The importance of therapy, support systems, and not giving up on loved ones is emphasized. Listeners will also learn about October Domestic Violence Awareness Month activities, the impact of Greyson's law, and the significance of judicial training and voter awareness. The episode closes by celebrating WID's 50-year legacy of empowering survivors, their thrift store, emergency shelter, crisis hotline, and upcoming events like a gala fundraiser. This is a don’t-miss episode! Listen now!
In this episode:
- Linda Parker has been with Women in Distress for four years.
- Her personal experience as a victim shapes her advocacy work.
- COVID-19 has changed the landscape of domestic violence cases.
- High lethality cases have increased significantly since the pandemic.
- Collaboration with law enforcement is crucial for effective intervention.
- Abusers often manipulate victims through psychological tactics.
- Many survivors stay in abusive relationships due to fear and financial dependency.
- Education about domestic violence is essential for prevention.
- Women often do not know about available resources and support.
- Creating a safety plan is vital for those considering leaving an abusive situation. The timing of leaving an abusive relationship is crucial.
- Children may inadvertently reveal the location of a fleeing parent.
- Support systems are vital for survivors of domestic violence.
- Therapy can help survivors cope with PTSD from domestic violence.
- Domestic Violence Awareness Month is an opportunity for advocacy.
- Legal frameworks like Greyson’s Law are evolving but face challenges.
- Community engagement and voting can influence change in domestic violence laws.
- Crisis hotlines provide essential support for those in need.
- Shelters offer comprehensive services to help survivors rebuild their lives.
- Fundraising events are crucial for sustaining support services for survivors.
About Linda Parker, Ph.D:
Linda Parker is the President and CEO of Women in Distress, with 16 years of professional experience both in human service and domestic violence services and as an educator and administrator at the university level.
Since 2017, she has been the Executive Director of Victim Services at the Peace River Center, which serves three counties surrounding Lakeland, one of 41 state-certified domestic violence centers in the state of Florida. Peace River includes two domestic violence shelters and a rape recovery center.
Prior to relocating to Florida from Iowa in 2016, Parker held director and vice president positions at William Penn University in West Des Moines, Iowa, where she led efforts to expand online learning. She also continues as an adjunct professor at William Penn and at Southern New Hampshire University in Manchester, New Hampshire. Earlier in her career, she was a domestic violence advocate at Children and Families of Iowa and worked as a counselor for women transitioning from prison. Parker earned her BA degree from Grandview University in Des Moines and has master's and doctorate degrees in psychology from Walden University in Minneapolis.
Contact:
Women in Distress www.widbroward.org
Women In Distress is the only nationally accredited, state-certified, full-service domestic violence center serving Broward County, Florida. Our mission is to stop domestic violence abuse for everyone through intervention, education, and advocacy.
24-Hr Crisis Hotline: 954.761.1133 | 711 TDD/TYY
About Ali Kessler: Ali Kessler is a writer, marketing professional, passionate parent advocate, and founder of Greyson’s Choice, a 501(c)(3) created to raise awareness about the risk of domestic abuse on children. Greyson’s Choice was founded by Ali Kessler in memory of her sweet, vibrant, and fearless 4.5-year-old son, Greyson, who was murdered by his biological father in a murder-suicide during an unsupervised, court-approved visit in Ft. Lauderdale, FL, in 2021. This came just hours after her petition for a domestic violence injunction was denied by a Broward County judge, citing that the “petitioner has failed to allege any overt acts by the respondent which would constitute domestic violence under Florida Statute.”
Ali’s advocacy efforts culminated in successfully passing Greyson’s Law during the 2023 legislative session. This bill now requires the court to consider threats against ex-partners or spouses when making child visitation and custody determinations in the court, expanding to include the following factors: evidence of domestic violence, whether a parent in the past or currently has reasonable cause to believe that they or a minor child is, or has been in imminent danger of becoming the victim of domestic/sexual violence by the other parent, even if no other legal action has been brought or is currently pending in court.
Contact Ali:
Transcript
[00:00:24] Ali Kessler: We are so excited to speak with you, Linda. I know I've met with you personally regarding my case and Greyson's Choice. But I would really love for you to tell our listeners all about Women in Distress and how you started working with them.
[:What I always tell folks is, when my mom was being abused, we spent time in a domestic violence center much smaller than WID, at that time it was a house in a small town. I remember being there and feeling, very much unwanted. It was clear from the way that they handled my mom and I and brother showing up that they didn't really appreciate us being there.
I don't know if they believed my mom. I'm not sure what the situation was, but it was extremely uncomfortable, and I was old enough to recognize. The sadness and the kind of a hopeless feeling my mom really felt. I think inadvertently and really subconsciously, I took that into the first time that I worked in a domestic violence center and really wanted to make sure that the folks living there understood that this is not how it should be.
[:[00:02:22] Linda Parker: And then moved here to Broward County in 2020 to become the CEO of WID. WID is a pretty large domestic violence shelter. It's probably one of the largest in the nation. We have 140 beds. We have a pet shelter a law firm. An outreach center. We do therapy, both kids and individual, family and individual.
[:[00:02:51] Ali Kessler: That's great. I actually didn't know you had a legal team there. My next question is going to be what services do you offer victims?
[:[00:03:00] Ali Kessler: that's so fantastic. Those are all things that everyone can benefit from.
[:[00:03:05] Ali Kessler: And you've been there, how many years?
[:[00:03:19] Linda Parker: So I think I have to split it into two sections. Prior to COVID, what we saw was pretty standard, I hate to use the word standard, but traditional domestic violence, which is, you can rely on the escalation going in a certain pattern, right? The movement was started based off of the wheel of domestic violence, which is like the power cycle, the power and control wheel.
[:[00:04:25] Linda Parker: It changed a lot of things and so what we see now is a very steep increase in high cases, and basically a high lethality case is a case in which statistically based off of information that we get from the survivor, if there's no intervention given, the likelihood of a death occurring is very high things like choking threatening you while you're pregnant, hurting the family pets having a weapon in the house.
[:[00:05:12] Linda Parker: But now we're seeing much more cases where it's weapons of opportunity, so I'm mad at you. I'm going to grab this ashtray and hit you over the head with it completely unprompted. I've never hit you before. Many more instances of injuries being very high level versus traditional domestic violence, psychological and I attribute that to a number of things and this is just my theory.
[:[00:05:58] Ali Kessler: Probably a lot of people just didn't [00:06:00] have the finances during Covid and they had no where to go. So they just lived in the abuse.
[:[00:06:15] Linda Parker: The staff were exceedingly burnt out from having people call them and say, I can't leave right now. What do I do? I'm in my closet. I can't leave, and he won't, it became almost more like a 911 kind of hotline. Then the staff are really anticipating having to answer and that takes its toll, it takes its toll on people.
[:[00:06:37] Linda Parker: A lot of it was, we've got to get you out of there. If you're in your closet, you can't stay here. We'll find room. We put a lot of people in hotels during that time. If there was a hotel, we could find, and we were using the police department to pull people out of homes, essentially, and just say, we've got this and I need you to go get this person. We have a good relationship with the police department for the most part anyway, but it really encouraged us to [00:07:00] collaborate in ways that we probably hadn't before to try to creative ways to get folks out of the house as opposed to the police.
[:[00:07:09] Linda Parker: Oh, yes. Yeah, we generally I think everyone's got stories where they had a disconnect with the police department. I can't speak for everyone's experience, but I can tell you that 9 out of 10 times. We have a pretty good relationship with the Broward County Sheriff's Office and, a member of their high level team sits on our board.
[:[00:07:33] Linda Parker: called you when I was looking for Greyson.
[:[00:07:45] Ali Kessler: right.
[:[00:07:48] Linda Parker: So please don't mistake that.
[:[00:08:03] Linda Parker: They're pretty responsive. The other thing is I have to see the opposite side of it. So without, bearing my brother too much, he's going through a domestic violence situation right now in another state. The response to him as a male survivor. Has been a port and it's only because I don't want to deal with the I want to get him through this legal situation before we move forward that I haven't said anything.
[:[00:08:47] Ali Kessler: which is why I'm always so vocal about what happened because it's the only way to let people know and maybe, the police or whoever can actually learn something.
[:[00:09:06] Linda Parker: I think there's a ton of reasons why women stay. One of the things that abusers are good at are manipulation.
[:[00:09:34] Linda Parker: They think that this is really, truly this person, forgiving or, that they really feel bad when in reality. That's really not the case. They're not in that space to feel bad. They want what they want when they want it. And so it's easier. It's a game.
[:[00:10:09] Linda Parker: How does that happen? This person has four different victims with all these kids and the women are fighting. In the shelter about, this man and I'm like, why are you fighting about him? He doesn't care about any of you. So I think we as women, also have to get to a place where we recognize the things.
[:[00:10:49] Linda Parker: Their role is to get you to do what they want you to do, period. And they do that through this repeated cycle. My first job working with batters was in [00:11:00] Iowa. And there used to be, and if you think about how ridiculous this is today, but back in the day, women would call a voicemail box.
[:[00:11:26] Linda Parker: had tape recorded all of the voicemails that were left from the day of the abuse until the entire cycle. It started with him saying I'm very sorry, I love you, I would never do this, but by the end he's calling her every name in the book and telling her that she will drop these charges.
[:[00:11:59] Linda Parker: [00:12:00] I'm going back to the abuser. Some of it is having experienced domestic violence or having relationships in your childhood that you saw this behavior being acceptable to you.
[:[00:12:22] Ali Kessler: I just thought he was mentally unstable and taking it out on me. And that was just the way it is. And I just had to deal with it. But clearly, I didn't just have to deal with it. There were things that I could have done, but a lot of people just don't know about it
[:[00:12:42] Linda Parker: And a lot of folks are like, I didn't want to stay in a shelter. I'm just going to ride it out. And I totally get that. And I, to be honest, I don't blame them and we serve far more people in our outreach than we serve in shelter for that reason. But there are other choices other than staying in terms of coming into the shelter, not coming into shelter and [00:13:00] getting assistance
[:[00:13:03] Linda Parker: I didn't live with Greyson's father, so I didn't really have to go anywhere. I was just stuck.
[:[00:13:10] Ali Kessler: So do you deal with women like that, that, obviously may not need to go to the shelter, but what can you do for them in other ways? Yes. Absolutely.
[:[00:13:28] Linda Parker: I know you tried to do that yourself and go down and try to get stalking harassment. Had the situation occurred, and we knew that person knew that you were at the courthouse, the first response would have been to call the panic button. And, I've had situations where we had a survivor calling me I know he's chasing me.
[:[00:14:20] Linda Parker: And 100 percent of the time we have never. I'm not saying that we may have been able to do something different. I don't have a crystal ball and I have no way of knowing that, but if people know that we're here and we can reach in and help, we will.
[:[00:14:36] Ali Kessler: Do you maybe help work with their team to understand this type of abuse?
[:[00:15:04] Linda Parker: For survivors, the police departments are also starting to get involved for instance, Lauder hill is really interested in increasing prosecution rates that don't require victims to testify. Because that's the biggest hindrance is the fear of, in front of the abuser and what's going to happen once courts over if he doesn't get it.
[:[00:15:37] Linda Parker: it's things like that we're working with them and that internally we're all working as a system to try to figure out how to really do what we say we're going to do, which is to eliminate domestic violence. We've been saying it for all these years. I tell people all the time, I would love to work myself out of a job.
[:[00:16:02] Linda Parker: Do you feel like it's getting worse?
[:[00:16:12] Linda Parker: It's never gone down. And like I said the increase in weaponization and lethality and guns, the system all has to decide that it's going to work around women. It's gonna have to recognize that this is a consistent community problem and everyone's gonna have to pour into it. We could have a thousand WIDs.
[:[00:16:50] Ali Kessler: I was just speaking with a freelance investigative reporter that does cases, with family court.
[:[00:17:16] Linda Parker: I think you're probably right.
[:[00:17:33] Linda Parker: A person came up to me and said, part of the issue here is that women are weaponizing domestic violence to get custody. I said to that person, that's a very dangerous thing to start. Replicating out into the public, because. We already know statistically that women or men or whoever reporting falsely reporting is like 0.
[:[00:18:21] Ali Kessler: Yep. I agree. So this is a twofold question, one, what are some red flags for women what should they look for? And then maybe some tips or advice for a woman that should leave or do something about their current situation.
[:[00:18:40] Linda Parker: jealousy is not a cute thing for men to have. And that comes in a variety of ways, right? It can come from tracking your movements, you not being able to go anyplace. It might start off cute at first Oh, you're going to your mom's again? Oh, I, those little comments where they're trying to keep you away from family and friends is the first red flag, because the [00:19:00] best way to abuse you is to isolate you.
[:[00:19:22] Linda Parker: So I'm working 70 hours a week and all my money is going to you while you're sitting at home all day. Then when I try to say something, there's this explosive temper or these really rude comments, right? Name calling. There is never a healthy relationship where anyone should ever call you a name.
[:[00:20:01] Linda Parker: Oh, you don't really you don't really like chicken. Are you like, it's things like that, that you become less about yourself decision making and more about their decision making a lot of times, That jealousy, especially in young girls, comes off as being he really loves me because he wants to spend all this time with me, and he's just trying to be protective, and that's something we've got to start really talking to our young ladies about very early on because it's not cute and it leads to stalkerish behavior, which can lead to other things.
[:[00:20:52] Linda Parker: Because we live in Florida, it's really easy to tell someone, Hey, I saw this thing on TV about a hurricane bag, and so [00:21:00] I'm going to pack one just in case something happens. Now is a good time to really do this. I recommend you put your important papers on the bottom, your birth certificate, if you have access to it, anything you can grab goes on the bottom and then your clothing goes on the top.
That's smart.
[:[00:21:15] Linda Parker: And then when you're ready to leave, don't tell that person you're leaving because that period of time, when you decide that you're leaving is the most dangerous. The time when they think you're getting a restraining order, you're at the courthouse, they're tracking, which is what happened with me,
[:[00:21:38] Ali Kessler: And their only act is to retaliate. Exactly.
[:[00:21:52] Ali Kessler: What are some other checklist items for women?
[:Try to separate as much as you can. But don't pull any triggers until you leave the house. Get everything lined up in order. The other thing that I would recommend is if you have kiddos. Make sure the school knows what's going on.
[:[00:22:28] Ali Kessler: right?
[:[00:22:41] Linda Parker: Okay, the problem with those are they have to be served before they're in place. So if that person, takes off and they can't serve him, you're not protected.
[:[00:22:56] Linda Parker: Make sure that you have anything that you can possibly think [00:23:00] that you would need to get out of the house, but also know that most domestic violence centers can get you access to your paperwork. So like I can get anybody's paperwork, birth certificate if they come here. So don't put yourself at risk to get things if you need to flee the house.
[:[00:23:26] Linda Parker: It's age dependent, but I would not tell a child until you're gone.
[:[00:23:51] Linda Parker: The daughter was just trying to be close to her dad, right? She just wanted her dad. She didn't understand the danger she was putting her family [00:24:00] in. I recommend if it's young kids that have a cell phone that you honestly take the cell phone until you're ready for them to have contact until you're out of the house and safe.
[:[00:24:20] Ali Kessler: And do you have to deny access to the children? Are they allowed to see?
[:Right
[:[00:24:56] Ali Kessler: Okay. Those are all great tips. I hope, women [00:25:00] out there listening are able to do what they need to do and maybe get enough bravery. Cause I think that's what it comes down to. They want to leave, but they're so scared. I always feel like that's the saddest part because fear shouldn't keep you from living your happiest, best life.
[:[00:25:36] Linda Parker: They're going to get there and when they do, they're going to need you and there's nothing more heartbreaking than having someone tell you my mom gave up on me years ago and she doesn't want to talk to me anymore, like that will break your heart so be a support like you would want support for, something that they have no control over,
[:[00:26:09] Linda Parker: We have both family and just adult therapy and they're trained in a variety of methods to help with crisis and also to help you get through PTSD because domestic violence has a high rate of PTSD.
[:[00:26:28] Ali Kessler: Yes I know it firsthand. October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. What types of things is Women in Distress doing this month to advocate for that?
[:[00:26:46] Linda Parker: I'm speaking on a panel interview with one of our attorneys, J. D. Reddick Bar association this month, we have a lot of trainings. We go into a lot of schools. We end up doing a lot of mini fundraisers, for instance, the domestic violence task force and [00:27:00] us are partnering on a, a fundraiser for that group on Sunday, so we really just tried to be. everywhere this month to really bring attention. But really, we try to be everywhere all the time, but this is just the month that it helps remind, and really we normally do a candlelight vigil to support those who have lost their life to domestic violence.
[:[00:27:45] Ali Kessler: I'm just curious. You said you do offer trainings with police and whatnot. Has Greyson's law ever come up?
[:[00:28:12] Linda Parker: Our group that we work with, because WID is also part of the statewide, so we oversee the statewide services, so we have the hotline and all those things, the statewide hotline comes into WID. But we also work with another provider that does all the legal services, and so they're offering trainings to the judges and the police departments.
[:And then also this last cycle of bills included a bill for the police as it relates to the Petito foundation, the Petito family. I don't know if you guys remember Gabby was the young lady.
[:[00:29:10] Linda Parker: So we know where the person fits into that cycle, but this expands it. And includes an additional set of questions. So if this than that kind of situation to catch things much more quickly. The state is trying to do some things in order to drive down domestic violence. But like I said earlier, it's going to take everyone.
[:[00:29:51] Ali Kessler: It's not, physical. And they made us take it all out. All of that language had to be taken out of Greyson's law. So I know for me personally, There [00:30:00] are other things that I want to get amended for Greyson's law, or maybe new bills pass. I'd love to see, trainings for judges become mandatory.
[:[00:30:27] Ali Kessler: There's, a bunch of other things I'd like to see happen. I'm hopeful that, it'll only get better from here.
[:[00:30:41] Ali Kessler: And I think the more we talk about it, the more we're calling them out.
[:[00:30:59] Ali Kessler: He was a missing [00:31:00] person. It was still denied. So it's just calling them out. If it keeps happening, hopefully they'll start learning and taking these cases by a case by case, situation and not just blanket everything and saying it's 50, 50
[:[00:31:19] Ali Kessler: people have no idea who the judges are when it comes time to vote. We just vote.
[:[00:31:32] Linda Parker: I do so much research on local government. I do way more research because it tends to be less publicized, the things that are going on in the cases. And it's super important that everyone knows. The people that you're voting in to practice
[:[00:31:53] Ali Kessler: Is there something that someone could just quickly pull up for judges? I'm
[:[00:32:01] Ali Kessler: county.
[:[00:32:04] Linda Parker: So that way, if you want to add it, you can. I'll add it to the show notes. Okay.
[:Okay.
[:[00:32:18] Linda Parker: I would say that there is no shame in leaving and being scared is one thing, but it could save your life. You can always for your child all the time, or your child. I used to tell my kids all the time, I can always undo a no. I may not be able to undo a yes. So make sure that when you go into a situation, that worst case scenario, if you leave and you wanna go back, you go back.
[:[00:32:54] Ali Kessler: and tell me about your upcoming golf fundraiser.
[:[00:33:09] Linda Parker: Ali is going to come and be the They're going to speak to us this year. And so I'm very excited. It's actually completely full. We're on a wait list right now for golfers, but it is on our website. If anyone wants to see it at woodbrower. org or would like to support it in any way financially.
[:[00:33:49] Linda Parker: I'm glad that I can be the CEO of the ushers with the 50.
[:[00:34:00] Linda Parker: No, we're in Deerfield Beach.
[:[00:34:08] Linda Parker: They can go to the website. We have a donation button there.
[:[00:34:26] Linda Parker:
[:[00:34:28] Linda Parker: The only thing we don't take are mattresses just for bed bug reasons and used car seats because We don't know if they've been in an accident and car seats get recalled, so we don't accept those just for safety reasons But other than that, we take everything else and the survivors in the shelter get to shop at the thrift store for free So that's the other bonus is that they get to, we take a transport twice a week over there and they get to shop for whatever they need.
[:[00:35:10] Ali Kessler: how long is someone in the shelter before they leave?
[:[00:35:22] Ali Kessler: wow.
[:[00:35:27] Ali Kessler: And then I'm assuming that everyone in the shelter helps these women get acclimated to move out and get their life back,
[:[00:35:45] Linda Parker: If your kids need, to get caught up on vaccinations, or you need to order paperwork. We take care of all that. Financially, we try to help as many folks as we can move into housing, pay first, last deposit. A lot of times there's [00:36:00] needs for things like storage unit or medical needs, right?
[:[00:36:22] Linda Parker: We're really proud of some of the things that we have here. We try to ensure that you start from the beginning.
[:[00:36:32] Linda Parker: Yeah, we have an economic justice program that works with them on resume building, finding a job, financial assistance. We have some banks that come in and talk to them about how to save money. In some cases, they've never had a job to your point. They were stay at home mom because the abuser mandated that they have to stay home.
[:[00:36:57] Ali Kessler: That's great. Giving, women the tools they need to get their life back is, all we can ask for. I want to talk about the crisis hotline real quick. It's a 24 hour crisis hotline that provides intervention, advocacy, counseling tell us how and when.
[:[00:37:14] Linda Parker: So anyone can call for any time. Even if you're not ready to leave, and you just want to talk through with someone, you can call either the crisis hotline for Broward, or you can call the Florida domestic violence hotline. Either 1 comes into us. You can get the same support regardless if you call the statewide, you're more likely to get sent to wherever your state, wherever your center is, but the center the point behind the hotline is it's an entry point into all services here.
[:[00:37:55] Linda Parker: We won't do that. And it's because we never know where the abuser is in the phone call. If I call you and say, I'm from women in Distress, and I understand you're in a domestic violence relationship, I'm not putting your safety at risk. It's important that survivors call us and let us know what it is that you need and then we can talk through the different levels of help.
[:954-761-1133
[:[00:38:24] Linda Parker: There's always someone available.
[:[00:38:38] Ali Kessler: I thank you for helping me in my situation because you reached out immediately and I thank you for that.
[:[00:38:53] Linda Parker: Thank you.
[:[00:38:56] Linda Parker: All right, Linda, talk to you soon.
, everyone,
